Successful commencement speakers are notoriously difficult to find. If you’re not boring people to death you are likely to be ticking someone off. With this in mind, the Crooked Timber Talent Agency is pleased to announce its list of 2004-2005 Commencement Speakers to the Administrations of all interested degree-granting institutions of higher learning, high schools, kindergartens, day-care centers and also right-wing think-tanks posing as any of the above. A brief selection of our speakers follows.

Saddam Hussein. Bio: Former President of Iraq. Speech topics: The glorious history of Iraq; the importance of law and order; outdoor living and survival skills. General theme: The importance of following your dreams; bouncing back from unexpected adversity. Special Appeal: Like Ted Nugent, but with broader musical fan base.

Paul O’Neill, Richard Clarke, Richard Foster and Larry Lindsey. Bio: Former administration officials now collectively known as “The Mayberry Quartet.” Group bookings only. Speech topics: The meaning of loyalty; public service as its own reward; starting a new career later in life. General theme: The importance of following your dreams; bouncing back from unexpected adversity. Special Appeal: Barbershop quartet numbers at post-commencement reception.

John Lott. Bio: At various times very nearly on the faculty of several major universities, currently at the American Enterprise Institute. Speech Topics: Gun control in the United States and elsewhere; public policy; the dangers of the Internet. General theme: The importance of believing your dreams rather than the evidence, or presenting the former as the latter; bouncing back from unexpected adversity. Special Appeal: Much loved by graduands who faked all their physics problem sets in sophomore year.

Ahmed Chalabi. Bio: Future President of Iraq. Speech Topics: The glorious history of Iraq; the importance of law and order; indoor living and survival skills. General theme: The importance of being able to get other people to follow your dreams; causing unexpected adversity. Special Appeal: None.

Judith Miller. Bio: New York Times reporter who as recently as a month ago was personally storing Saddam Hussein’s WMD stocks in her basement at home, according to one Iraqi scientist. Speech Topics: The overwhelming danger posed by Iraq; compromised sources I have known but not suspected. General theme: The importance of believing other people’s dreams; bouncing back from unexpected adversity. Special Appeal: Sincerity above all.

Many other speakers available for booking, most at short notice. Reasonable rates. Speeches guaranteed short. Email for details today.